Are you seeing red flags in your dating life? This article exposes the truth behind “avoidant” behavior and teaches you how to spot a lack of interest and insincerity.

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Is He Avoidant or Just… Something Else?

Understanding relationships has become an endless process of identifying behaviors. Today, terms like “avoidant” dominate our conversations. We use these labels mainly for people who have piqued our interest. These individuals maintain contact, but they often respond late. Other times, they answer right away, then disappear. We ignore a simple truth. Their behavior is completely different with people who are already in a relationship. Ultimately, so-called avoidant behavior is much simpler and more human.

The Scientific Origin and Its Evolution

The idea of avoidant attachment didn’t start on social media. Instead, psychologists developed it. It came from Attachment Theory, created by psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth. In her famous “Strange Situation” experiment, Ainsworth watched children. During the experiment, the parent would briefly leave the room, then return. Ainsworth saw three main types of behavior: Secure Attachment, Ambivalent Attachment, and Avoidant Attachment.

Psychologists see avoidant behavior in childhood as a result of a lack of emotional response. The child then learns to hide their needs. Over time, this scientific idea became popular culture. It turned into a simple label to describe any distant behavior in adults. This oversimplification made me question if the term is used correctly.

The Real-Life Experiment

It was 2022-2023. I taught a group of 18 people, and 15 were single and ready for anything. I noticed these individuals came to class with shifting emotions. Their joy turned to despair in a few hours. During breaks, they all gathered and brainstormed. They tried to find a logical reason for the strangest behaviors.

They got many absurd excuses. For example, a message went unanswered for a week. The reason given later was, “I had to help a friend move, and we turned off our phones to focus!” Another person canceled a date at the last minute because they supposedly crashed their car while calling. Other excuses included having to “spend a day with my grandmother to explain how Instagram works” or receiving “an emergency call from my vet about my dog.” The inventiveness of these excuses was a key observation as the students tried to understand them. Over time, this uncertainty began to turn inward. They developed insecurities. They wondered if they weren’t pretty enough or if their haircut or nose was the problem. They just couldn’t accept that the others were simply… insincere.

I even told them in class to use that same creativity to find the simple truth in their real lives. In contrast, the three people in long-term relationships just watched, even though they were part of the talks. The look on their faces said, “We don’t have these problems. Let’s get coffee.” Their daily lives were so stable they seemed to have forgotten how to analyze every minute of an interaction.

The Great Revelation: The Truth That Went Unspoken

After weeks and months of questions, the mystery began to unravel. One by one, my students found the truth. It was simple but also disappointing: their “avoidant” partners had simply not been honest.

• They were already in a relationship: One “avoidant” person replied after a week. They had just returned from their honeymoon.
• They just weren’t interested: Another person texted but didn’t want to go out. That person was simply bored in their marriage or relationship. They wanted someone to talk to, to pass the time.
• They weren’t over their ex: A third person confessed they hadn’t gotten over their ex. This person was using my student as a “break” until they decided what they wanted.
• They were finding themselves: Another person wasn’t just “avoidant.” They were in the process of discovering their sexual identity.
• They didn’t want to be honest: The list continued with people in polyamorous relationships who hadn’t said so. They just wanted a temporary connection.

In short, all these people, whom my students had “diagnosed” with serious psychological issues, had simple reasons for their actions: they just weren’t honest.

Conclusion: Power Games, Marketing, and a Final Truth

In the end, what we call “avoidant behavior” is just a cover. It hides an uncomfortable truth: selfish immaturity, lack of interest, or insincerity. But it’s easier to use psychological labels and believe in a mystery. It’s hard to accept we just weren’t someone’s priority.

Perhaps the most disappointing part is that some people see a chance to profit from this despair. They sell advice on patience and ways to “win” a person. They won’t tell you the truth: they just don’t want you. Maybe the most logical business model is for all these “experts” to team up and create a big company? A company with employees who are the very people who cause the problems. These are the ones who go out and create questions. Simply because they think only of themselves.

A Final Thought

The question isn’t why people go out into the world unprepared for honesty. The real question, the only one that matters, is why you let these behaviors control your world. It is wrong to use others to fill your own emptiness. But it is just as wrong, and maybe more tragic, to let yourself be used.

Everyone has their own wounds and fears. This is the natural uncertainty of existence. The choice isn’t to wait for others to be better. It is to take responsibility for yourself. If a connection is difficult, don’t use false labels. Look yourself in the eye. There you will find the strength to set your boundaries, demand the respect you deserve, and stop being a victim of others’ immature games.

“Love u all”