Have you ever wondered why the word “love” brings fear? Why do we often feel we sacrifice our personal light inside a sacred relationship? Did the dream relationship become a cage of gold? The truth is, in this cage, security costs us our independence.
Have you thought about the Love of Autonomy?
The Love of Autonomy means choosing a partner from strength. Specifically, you choose them from a place of completeness, not need. We select them for their beautiful soul, not our fear of loneliness. Definitely, true love feels different. It is not an anchor, it is a launchpad. In fact, happiness is not about limits, but about Independence.
The Great Delusion: Why Relationships Become Contracts of Fear
We made Independence a taboo. Why? We confused it with being absent.
The Lie of Completion
We learn the Great Lie. The Romantic era (18th century) celebrated this myth. They glorified extreme passion. Everyone from poets to the middle class convinced us that we are incomplete. So, only a partner could bring “completion.”
This “need for Passion” was the great irony. Mature adults gave up reason. Instead, they regressed psychologically. They chose emotional merging to become children again. Why? They wanted to avoid being alone with life’s responsibilities. Simply put, the partner becomes a “Caregiver” not a lover, but a source of security.
The Shadow of Childhood Patterns
The damage starts here. We feel a constant need for assurance. Moreover, the endless checking-in happens. Thus, “love” becomes a contract of control. Often, this fear is inherited. How we love as adults directly reflects how we learned to bond as children. We try to fix an ‘insecure attachment’ (attachment styles). Dependence is the child’s cry: “I cannot handle your absence.” But, the Love of Autonomy is the adult answer: “I can handle it, but I want you here.”
Therefore, when we measure love by time, the Quantity of time replaces the Quality of emotion.
The Price: The Prison of Dreams and Beauty
The moment someone questions our Independence is the moment we lose our most valuable asset: our vitality.
- The Death of Radiance: True beauty comes from the spirit’s vitality and independence. When you merge your identity, you become predictable and dull. The truth is, you withered for the sake of comfort.
- The Refusal of Responsibility: Dependent love is an insignificance contract. One partner pleads “ignorance” of responsibilities. In turn, the other assumes all emotional labor. This is a refusal to mature. Importantly, this immaturity is harshest in money matters. Refusing your financial freedom is a silent surrender. This means ignoring accounts or avoiding personal savings. Financial dependence creates the most powerful cage of gold. Ultimately, you start truly choosing your partner when you know you can leave, but you choose to stay for love.
- The Suspension of Dreams: Great dreams need personal sacrifice, space, and strong will. The dependent partner cannot chase their vision. This happens because the anxiety of abandonment or the need for approval is stronger than their dream.
Freedom as an Act of Love: Autonomy Reflected
The Love of Autonomy is a solution. It is the key for dreams to succeed. So, let’s stop giving easy answers. Instead, we must begin thinking deeply:
Do we refuse the 24/7 demand only because we fear being alone? Alternatively, do we act from respect for our individual needs? How can our independence, which protects our vitality and charm, fuel our relationship, instead of threatening it?
Choice and Quality
Also, reflect on Quality over Quantity: When freedom is a fact, shared time becomes a real choice. Are we together because we need the other to “fill a void”? Conversely, do we choose them as a conscious presence? Could the scarcity of our shared moments be what strengthens the bond? Actually, it ensures that every moment we share is rich, true, and authentic.
Chasing Dreams
Finally, let us consider the Realization of Dreams. Does Independence give us permission to pursue our vision, without needing approval? When we return to the relationship full of our own successes, do we offer inspiration to our partner, instead of demanding our happiness from them?
The Space Between People
In art, the space between objects matters as much as the objects themselves. We call this negative space, it defines the form and beauty. Similarly, in the relationship, that space is your Independence.
Do not become one, give space. Feel the other person’s freedom. Give yourself permission to shine alone. Likewise, allow your partner to dream far away from you. Love is not looking at each other. Instead, you look together toward the same goal, while standing firmly on your own feet.
Independence is the final conquest. It is the state where you can say:
“I am not holding you out of necessity. I stand firmly on my own, and from the height of my own completeness, I choose you. Every day. That is the miracle.”
Cognitive Compass 