---

Disclaimer: This article is strictly SATIRICAL. The views expressed below are the exact opposite of healthy psychological advice and are intended for humorous purposes only.

Introduction: The Grand Self-Help Hoax

The self-improvement industry constantly talks about “mantras,” “values,” and how to “attract abundance.” Therefore, let’s drop the elitism: Real abundance is drama.

Who truly wants a mature, balanced partner who simply validates your worth? Certainly, that is not life, it’s a boring Netflix show. Instead, true substance is found in agony, the unanswered text, and the eternal wait.

Thus, the greatest challenge is choosing chaos and labeling it an “uplifting challenge.” Get ready.

If you are prepared to abandon quality companionship and opt for maximum emotional crisis, then here are 5 techniques to secure the worst possible partner.

---

1. Manifest the Emotionally Unavailable

Instead of focusing your mind on finding positive outcomes, train it to find the emotional dead end.

• The Rule: You must choose someone who makes you work hard for minimal validation. After all, unconditional love is for the weak.
• The Exercise: Recall the most painful, ambiguous behavior you ever experienced. Next, look for the adult version of it. Ultimately, the goal is to find a partner who exactly repeats the emotional deprivation you experienced at age 7. Consequently, that is the real challenge!

2. Adopt the Role of the “Doctor” (The Savior Complex)

Never choose someone who is already emotionally stable. Conversely, your role is to fix the broken one.

• The Rule: Love is labor, not joy. Seek out individuals with clear, large, unfixable problems. You must believe that your unique love is the key that will open the locked room of their soul.
• The Sarcastic Happy Ending: You will fail. However, you will be exhausted. Nevertheless, afterwards, you will feel justified in your failure because “you gave everything” paying the price of Emotional Deprivation in the most adult way possible.

3. Never Set Boundaries (The Boundary Destruction)

Boundaries are an obstacle to dysfunction.

• The Rule: When you feel hurt, don’t say it. Furthermore, don’t set limits. Instead, suffer in silence until you explode in a dramatic, unjustified burst of anger. Naturally, this will prove to your partner that you are unstable, justifying their distance.
• The Result: You will feel empty. In spite of that, at least you will confirm the old fear that “my feelings are too much for others”. Defectiveness and Shame come into play. Mission Accomplished.

4. Fear Fulfillment

If you happen to find someone who is genuinely kind, mature, and loves you unconditionally, RUN.

• The Rule: Smooth, calm, mutual love is suspicious. Why? Because your system has learned that love is a struggle. Calmness equals boredom and loss of the goal (which is justification).
• The Tactic: Blame them for something they didn’t do. Additionally, create a problem where none exists. Find a reason to leave before their love proves that the Defectiveness and Shame Schema is wrong.

5. Ignore Your Values

Did you read my article about values? If so, forget it.

• The Rule: Choose someone with diametrically opposed values to your own. (You: Honesty, They: Avoidance).
• The Benefit: Indeed, this way, you will always have a consistent, reliable level of daily drama. You will never be bored, since every conversation will be a fight for your very existence.

If you follow these techniques, you are guaranteed to enjoy a wonderful, toxic cycle of emotional chaos. Excellent!

Now you have another opportunity to prove your worth by fixing someone who is unfixable.